I am flooded with emotions knowing that this is finally it. Hospice is now coming daily. She has stopped eating. Her organs are shutting down. They are giving her morphine so she won't be in too much pain.
I just revisited what I wrote in October of 2013 when she started really going downhill and was in the hospital. It was the last time she had any sense of recognition and I was one of the only people who could evoke it with her. The tears are flowing steadily and I know how deeply this does, and will, hurt. Even though she's already been gone for many years... I am simply letting myself feel. There is no other way to cope.
In this picture, I'm about 4 years old. I had for whatever reason, decided to put my hand on the wood burning stove and that's my Nana taking care of me. She always took care of me. She is the last person on this earth who has known me since birth and truly loved me unconditionally. She was the kindest and most nurturing person I've ever known in my life. She helped shape who I am in ways no one else could. I will be forever grateful for her love.
I'm happy that she'll be able to pass on in the house my Bapa built for her so many years ago. On land homesteaded by his family in the 1800's. He died at home too. I'm happy that she will no longer be simply living with no real quality of life. I can still picture her sitting in her rocking chair, with a cat on her lap and doing a crossword puzzle. I can still hear her voice. I can still hear her laugh. I can feel her touch and remember her smell. She was and will always be my amazing Nana. I want her death to be as painless and quick as possible after all of these years of limbo. Awful, wretched, heart-breaking disease...
I'm ready to say goodbye now... I will love you forever, Nana.